Not-so Practical Magic
by Spectra
Summary: NOW COMPLETE! It's science vs. the occult when Dib finally figures out a way to combat Zim's Irken technology that the invader is definately not prepared for. TASTE THE YUMMY INSANITY!!!
1. Zim's Odd Day

Author's Note:  This is the second fanfic I ever finished!  Yippie!  It's a lot different from my first fic, which was largely a drama.  This one's pretty much all comedy, so pull up a chair and laugh yourself stupid!  Wee-hee-hoo!

Disclaimer:  This part is boring so you don't have to read it.  Simply put, I don't own any of the characters in the story, but since I'm not making any money off it who really gives a cheese?  Zim and Dib and GIR and everyone else belong to Jhonen Vasquez (yeah, they belong to Nickelodeon, too, but I'd never give those jerks any credit cause they won't show any new episodes! ~grrrr…~ L )

Not-so Practical Magic 

It was another disgustingly bright and cheery day.  Zim sat on a bench, watching the smelly Earth children jump and scamper around the skool playground, frittering their hopeless youths away.  "Pit-i-ful HU-mans!" he snarled superiorly.  He was minding his own business, muttering anti-Earth slander to himself like he did every day at recess in order to puff up his little ego, when he sensed someone watching him.  He spun around and his eyes met those of a boy in a long, black coat.  The boy gazed intensely at Zim and as their eyes met, the boy drew his brows together behind his large, round glasses and smirked.

            "Dib," Zim narrowed his eyes.  Dib looked as though he was in deep concentration as he watched Zim from across the skool yard.  "He's so pathetic," Zim thought, "he has nothing better to do with his life than spend it staring at-…"

            Zim was busy looking at Dib when all the sudden a soccer ball came out of nowhere and nailed him on the side of the head, knocking him clear off the bench.  He landed on the pavement with a hard thump, but he didn't have time to worry about the pain.  He frantically felt the top of his head to make sure his black wig hadn't been knocked off, and finding it still in place, leaped to his feet and glared furiously at the kids who'd kicked the ball.

            "Who is responsible for this!" he demanded.

            A boy wearing a jersey stepped up.  He seemed extremely puzzled.  "Hey, sorry man.  We didn't mean to hit you," he said, scratching his head, "but the ball just went out of control."

            "Yeah," piped up a girl with glasses.  "It was so strange.  We kicked the ball over there," she said and pointed towards a fence on the opposite side from where Zim had been sitting, "and it _curved _or something and flew over and hit you!"

            "You expect me to believe that pathetic dribble?" Zim shouted.

            "Hey, it's _true_!" shouted another boy with orange hair.  "We don't know how it happened!  We swear there was no way that ball could've hit you the way we kicked it!"

            "Fine," Zim growled, narrowing his eyes into burning slits, "I'll go along with this ridiculousness only because I can't prove you _didn't_ do this on purpose."  And with that, he plopped himself back on the bench, crossed his arms over his chest, and watched the kids walk away examining the soccer ball in confusion.

 Once again, he felt eyes on his back.  Zim turned and glanced out of the corner of his eye.  Dib was still watching him, only now he had a huge grin plastered on his face.  

The next second, the bell rang and the children were herded into the cafeteria for lunch.  Zim picked up his tray from the counter and started towards his table where he always sat and ate alone.  He picked up his milk carton and was about to open it, when once again he had the sensation of being watched.  His eyes skimmed the room and he spied Dib sitting at a lunch table with his sister.  The boy was staring at him.  

Of course, this 'Zim Watching' of Dib's wasn't exactly unusual.  Dib spent most of the skool day observing Zim for any chance that he might accidentally expose himself as an alien, and he'd be ready to pounce.  But something was different today about the way Dib looked at Zim.  He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was suspicious.  Then, he realized that Dib wasn't just staring at him.  Though it was barely noticeable, Zim could tell that Dib seemed to be moving his lips slightly as if muttering something under his breath.

Zim snorted in disgust, "Now that ridiculous human is talking to himself."  He forced his attention away from Dib and back to his milk carton, deciding to just ignore him for the moment.  Zim pulled back the spout of the carton, and as he did, the entire carton seemed to literally explode in his hand and milk came spurting out in Zim's face.  Zim, who was nearly drowning, threw the carton as hard as he could and sat there totally stupefied as milk dripped from his hair and chin.  

"What the spoo was _that_?!"  Zim examined the milk carton.  "Hmm… Someone must have shaken it up," he thought, not really understanding that milk isn't carbonated.  He picked up a fistful of napkins and began mopping the milk from his face when he heard a chuckle from behind.  He whipped around only to see Dib snickering at him, his features twisted in a mask of smug superiority.  

"Hey Zim, got milk?" Dib chuckled at his little joke then he got up and walked out of the cafeteria, grinning devilishly as he went.  Growling, Zim pulled back his arm and flung the wad of wet napkins straight at Dib.  The ball of napkins sailed through the air and Zim smiled eagerly at what looked like a direct hit, but the next second his jaw dropped practically to the floor.  The napkins had been only a foot away from the back of Dib's head and still sailing fast when they suddenly halted in midair and dropped to the ground, landing with a loud splat at the back of Dib's heels.  Zim just stared in utter astonishment as Dib spun his head around and shot the Irken a mocking grin, and as he did, Zim spied a thick, black book tucked under the boy's arm.  Then, without a word, he stepped out the door and was gone, leaving Zim to ponder what the hell had just happened.

After a trip to the bathroom to wash the milk out of his wig, Zim headed back to class.  As he entered the classroom, he saw that Dib was already in his seat and he smirked at the green one as he came in.  Zim shot him a dirty look and sat down.  "He's up to something," Zim thought.  "I still don't know how he did that thing with the napkins.  It must have been a cross breeze or a sudden freak increase in the Earth's magnetism.  Yeah, that's it; he was just lucky!  Still, I'm keeping my superior eyes on him."

All through class, Zim kept glancing over at Dib suspiciously, waiting for him to try something, but Dib seemed to have lost interest in his alien foe and was concentrating on something on his desk; something he kept hidden with his coat sleeves.  Zim really didn't care what Dib was so absorbed in and, glad to have some momentary peace, he sighed and relaxed a bit.  Then he felt someone tap him on the back. 

"What?" he asked, turning to Zita, the girl in the chair behind him.

"What, _what_?" she replied.

"You tapped me on the back," Zim said.

"No I didn't."

Zim put a hand to his chin.  "Hmm, perhaps it was my imagination," he thought and returned facing the front of the room.  A few seconds passed, and this time he felt a hard jab in his side.  

"Knock it off!" he shouted whirling around.

"I'm not doing anything!" Zita insisted.

"Oh yeah?  Then who…" Zim began impatiently, but was cut off by something jabbing the top of his head.  Then suddenly, something wrapped itself around his wrist and Zim realized that it was one of his robotic extension legs, and somehow it was going out of control.  Zim grabbed at it with his free hand, but then another leg shot out of his backpack and wound itself around Zim's body.  Unable to keep his balance, Zim dropped to the floor, struggling there in a tangled heap until Miss Bitters slithered up and stood over him.

"Is there a problem?" she hissed.

"Uh, no, of course not.  No problem here," Zim chuckled nervously, "but I think that I may need to go home."

"What for?" Miss Bitters demanded, her eyes blazing.

"I'm, uh… having trouble with my backpack," he answered.

"Fine, go home.  It's not like you'll amount to anything anyway, so why bother wasting my time teaching you," Miss Bitters growled and turned back to the chalkboard where she continued her drawing of a diagram that illustrated how the universe would eventually collapse in on itself.

Zim mumbled a "Thanks" and slunk out of the room (as well as he could for having metal wrapped around both his legs), but as he went, he instinctively glanced back.  Just as he'd thought, Dib was watching him, and he also noticed that the black book he'd seen him carrying was sitting squarely open on his desk.

            As Zim walked home, his mind tried to comprehend what had happened.  "How could my robotic arms have gone out of control like that?  They've never done that in my whole life, and I just checked them so they _couldn't_ be malfunctioning." The Irken invader was still muttering to himself when he approached his house.  

As he entered, he slammed the door behind him and stepped into the room, his boot heels making loud clicks on the tile floor.  He popped out his human-eye contact lenses and removed his wig.  He was about to head down to his laboratory to examine his backpack and find out what had made his spider legs go haywire, when he sensed that he wasn't alone.  "Who's there!" he barked and narrowed his large eyes down to red, burning slits.  He scanned the room and noticed some movement from a corner draped in shadows.  "Show yourself!" he ordered.  A figure silently and obediently emerged out of the dark, the large glasses on its face glinted in the dim light. 

"Hello, Zim…"

"You!" roared Zim as he found himself face to face with Dib.  "How did you get in here!?"

Dib just grinned mysteriously in response.

"Never mind," Zim shouted furiously.  "Grab the intruder!"

At Zim's command, half a dozen robotic, tube-like arms flew down from the ceiling and shot straight for Dib with metal claws outstretched.  As the arms were about to strike, they suddenly veered sharply away from Dib who's evil smile seemed to deepen.  They seemed to freeze in place, and Dib pointed a finger at the immobile arms and muttered something that was inaudible to Zim.  Suddenly, the robotic arms exploded in a burst of sparks and shrapnel.  Zim jumped out of the way of the red-hot bits of metal and landed in a spiraling summersault on the floor.  Breathing heavily from where he lay, Zim's mouth hung agape and his eyes had grown wide at what he'd just witnessed.  He rolled over and leaned on his elbows, gawking up at his attacker.

"H-how?!  How did you do that!?" he demanded, not sure whether to be impressed or enraged. 

"Surprised?" Dib asked with a smirk, and Zim had to admit that he actually quite was.  "I knew you would be.  You see, after all this time I realized that I've been going about capturing you all wrong.  Every time I'd try to subdue you, you'd just use some weird, alien device to escape, or zap me, or send me into another dimension or something.  At every turn you've thwarted my plans with your alien technology, so I've finally found the one thing that your technology isn't prepared to defend against." Dib paused for dramatic effect then whispered ominously… 

"Magic." 

 Then, laughing, he pulled the big, black book he'd been lugging around earlier out from under his coat.

"Magic?" Zim repeated.  He'd never heard of this 'magic' before.

"Yes, Zim.  You don't spend your whole life as an expert in the paranormal without picking up a dash of the occult as well, since one pretty much goes in hand with the other.  This book is full of magic spells that enable me to control the forces of nature as I see fit!" Dib cackled and lowered his eyebrows.  "And whatever 'Zim' tricks you try to pull with all your little gadgets won't be able to combat against my supernatural powers!"

Zim glared at Dib, then furrowing an eyebrow snorted, "Phfft… give me a break, Dib.  Do you honestly think that this _magic_ thing is any match against my superior Irken technology?"

"I don't need to _think_ it, I've already proven it!  Your robotic arms were useless on me just a minute ago, not to mention I had some fun with your spider leg-thingies back in class."

"That was you?" Zim screamed, outraged.

"Yes.  And that thing with the milk was me too.  And I'm the one who made that soccer ball veer and hit you at recess.  But all that was all just a warm up, and now I'll show you the true extent of my powers!"  As Dib said this, he began to lift off the ground until he hovered far above Zim's head.  He pointed down at Zim and shouted, "Prepare for your end, Zim!!"

Oooo… exciting, huh!  Wait till you see the chaos that is to come MWAHAHAHAHA!  Say… where did Dib get a spell book anyway?  Well, I really don't know so I'm not gonna bother coming up with an explanation since it's really not important.


	2. Battleground

"Now I'll show you the true extent of my powers!"  As Dib said this, he began to lift off the ground until he hovered far above Zim's head.  He pointed down at Zim and shouted, "Prepare for your end, Zim!!" Not-so Practical Magic- Chapter 2 

Zim wasted no time and quickly whipped out a laser gun and began firing at Dib, but the lasers just seemed to bounce off of some invisible shield.  Dib laughed and thrust his palms in Zim's direction and a bright flash of blue lightning flew from his hands, hitting Zim and knocking him clear across the room.  Shaking his head, Zim tried to get up, but was immediately hit with another blast of energy that sent him slamming into the wall.  The tiny Irken invader cried out in pain and Dib thought it was music to his ears.  "Ha ha!   Now I'll…" Dib began, but both he and Zim were startled by an enormous explosion from the kitchen.  A puff of smoke billowed from the door and GIR emerged from it, covered with ash.  The little robot coughed a few times then clanged to the floor in a charred heap.

"What did you do to GIR!?" Zim gasped in horror, pointing an accusing finger at Dib who just replied dryly.

"Nothing."

 "Oh…" Zim rolled his eyes.

"I made a cake!" GIR chirped sitting up, then glancing up at Dib exclaimed, "Oooo, floaty!"

"Now is NOT the time to be impressed, GIR!" Zim growled.  

"Enough of this!" Dib yelled growing annoyed and let forth another blast of white-hot energy, but Zim wasn't about to fall for the same trick twice and he leaped speedily out of its path.  Dib was not deterred and fired again, but the nimble alien easily out maneuvered his attacks every time.  

Dodging another blast, Zim ducked behind the coffee table for temporary cover long enough to hiss at his incompetent, metal companion.  "GIR!  Are you just going to sit there!?  HELP ME!" he ordered.  

GIR continued to sit in the middle of the floor, a big stupid grin plastered on his face, legs kicking up and down happily, then, sensing that someone was saying something to him, he looked up and drawled innocently, "What?"  

Zim smacked his forehead.  He'd have to win this battle by himself.   

All of the sudden the table he was hiding behind was vaporized into dust, and Zim dove quickly away in a panic as Dib sent more power blasts his way.  Breathing heavily, Zim ran around the room in random patterns trying to avert his nemesis's evil power, and it seemed to work; for the life of him, Dib just couldn't seem to get off a shot at the swift, agile invader.  His lightning power didn't seem to be having much effect, so he tried hurling other things: fire balls, daggers, ninja death stars, spouts of water, and growing desperate he even tried nailing Zim with slices of projectile bologna, but always in vain. Dib gritted his teeth and frowned a frown to end all frowns, his fists shaking with rage.  Zim ceased his getaway and acknowledged his enemy's fury with an arrogant sneer.

"Your powers _are_ impressive, Dib, I will admit that, but still no match for the superior speed and skill of an invader.  Even without my technology I'm still more than an equivalent for you."

Dib scowled, his trench coat billowing out behind him like an angry cobra's hood.  "It's not over yet, Zim!  I've got more than one trick up my sleeve," and with that, he snapped his fingers while simultaneously reading aloud a passage from the black book.  

Out of nowhere, a loud buzzing filled Zim's nonexistent ears, and his smile suddenly went flat he felt stabbing pricks of pain all over his body.  

"AHHGH!!  BEEEEES!!!" he screamed.  Thousands of them were swarming around him and at least half of those were stinging him.  Zim started to run around in a panic, swatting and cursing at the bees while Dib, still suspended in the air high above him, laughed maniacally.  He snapped his fingers once more and Zim's black and yellow attackers vanished in an instant.  Zim, who was now ripe and puffy with bee stings, collapsed to the ground.  He lay there moaning in agony, but Dib's fun wasn't over yet.  

"Aww, poor Zim," he cooed mockingly, gently floating back down to the floor.  "Here, let me help you reduce the swelling."  Dib flipped through a few more pages then uttered an ancient, odd sounding, barely pronounceable phrase.  No sooner had the words passed his lips than Zim's skin began to tingle, starting in his arms and legs then spreading quickly throughout his body.  He could feel the pain subsiding and, managing to open a half-swelled eye, saw that his puffiness of skin really _was_ reducing… but something was wrong.  The swelling was gone, leaving his green skin smooth once again, but the tingly feeling still crawled through his veins and too late he realized that not only was the swelling reducing, but so was he!  Zim filled with dread as the room seemed to expand around him, the walls and furniture growing monstrously larger as he shrank smaller and smaller.  Finally the spell had had its full effect, and Zim stood up finding that he was now only about the size of a Coke can.

"Oops, guess I overdid it!" Dib's voice seemed to thunder, startling Zim as he stared down smugly at his handiwork chuckling.

Zim took a step back and tightened his shaking hands into hard fists.  Seeing his worst enemy looming over him like something out of a nightmare he was terrified, but he'd never give Dib the pleasure of knowing that.  Swallowing hard and trying to keep a steady voice, he called up at his relatively gigantic nemesis, "Oh get a life, Dib, I've been small before!"

"Maybe so, but this time you don't have your little nano-ship to zip around in," Dib grinned self-contentedly and flipped over another page in the spell book.  "I'm calling the shots now, Zim."  

His eyes skimmed the page, then dropped down and burned into Zim's angry, red jewel-like ones.  "And now," he thrust a hand into the air dramatically, "we end this!"  

Dib read some more strange words from the book and Zim felt his insides tying into knots as his foe began to transform.  His outline seemed to melt into a black shadow, which twisted and constantly reformed itself into a number of hideous shapes until it finally settled on its final, terrible form.  Where Dib had just stood, there was now a large, grayish-black cat wearing his glasses.  Dib's new cat ears twitched and he smiled revealing a mouth full of sharp teeth, which he ran his tongue over hungrily.  Leaning back on his haunches, the cat suddenly sprang at the tiny alien.

Though overwhelmed by all this, Zim's instincts were as sharp as ever and he dodged out of the way just as Dib's claws sank into the spot where he'd been only a microsecond before.  Breathing heavily, Zim scuttled across the room as fast as he could, heading for any sort of protective covering, but Dib was already at the back of his heels and gaining.  With a lightning quick motion, Dib reared his claws and struck Zim hard on the side.  He flew to the ground with a sharp squeak of pain, then tried to quickly get up and make another break for it, but Dib was wise to Zim's plan and pounced in front of his path before the little Irken could go any further.  Hissing violently, the Dib-cat swung its paw down and pinned him to the floor.  Dib's lips curled up and he leaned close to his captor, his hot breath burning Zim's face.

"Well, Zim, I hope you enjoyed our brief game of 'cat and mouse,' but it has to end now, and I'm afraid you lose."  The cat's teeth glistened as it raised its other paw and curled its deadly sharp claws, ready to strike.

"It's not over yet, Dib-cat!" Zim screamed as one of his extension legs shot out of his backpack and headed straight for Dib's eye.

Even though his eyes were protected by his glasses, Zim's sudden attack still made him flinch enough so that the shrunken alien could wriggle out from under his paw and escape.  Dib growled in frustration and was instantly in pursuit.

All the while this was going on, GIR had been sitting on the couch oblivious to the whole thing, lost in his own little world making up a song about a pig and a duck.  But now he was getting bored and something large and black on the floor caught his attention.

Uh-oh, you just KNOW it's gonna get insane now! ^_^  But I won't give anything away; you'll just have to read the next chapter.

Note:  By the way, I just wanted to say thanks to Amythyst Soul for being the first to read and review my new fanfic (Thank you so much!), and thanks to everyone who read my first story and wrote such wonderful, nice reviews of it.  Y'all make me feel so 'pecial!


	3. Keep Away!

All the while this was going on, GIR had been sitting on the couch oblivious to the whole thing, lost in his own little world making up a song about a pig and a duck.  But now he was getting bored and something large and black on the floor caught his attention. 

Not-so Practical Magic- Chapter 3 

"Ooooo!" GIR's aqua blue eyes telescoped in curiosity as he hopped off the couch and peered inquisitively at the object.  Well, it wasn't TV, GIR was sure of that.  And it wasn't a monkey.  Or a piggy.  But it looked kind of interesting anyhow.  It was heavy too, and GIR had a bit of difficulty heaving it onto his lap.  "Ooo, it opens!" he bubbled happily at this discovery and flipped through the pages looking for some pretty pictures to color.  To his disappointment there were no pictures, but there were a lot of funny looking words and GIR tried his best to sound them out.

Meanwhile, Zim had managed to scurry under the couch and he stuck his tongue out in Dib's direction.  Dib was getting tired of the game now and was beginning to wish he'd just finished Zim off with a head-exploding spell, but he was too far into this to quit now he supposed.  His tail twitched and he drew his ears back.  

"Alright Zim, this is it!  I'm going to take a lot of satisfaction ripping you to shreds with my own two hands… er, um… paws!  Then I'm gonna haul your little dead body on down to the research lab and finally prove to everyone what you really are!" 

Dib reared back and dove for the space under the couch at the same time a tinny voice from across the room rattled off a choppy, weird sounding incantation.

Suddenly Dib began to change in mid-air back to his old, human self.  He continued to sail towards his target, but the unexpected transformation interfered with his trajectory and he pummeled headfirst into the couch's baseboard.  "OWW!" came his voice along with a mighty cracking sound and he dropped to the floor like a sac of bricks.

Zim, observing the scene from his hiding place, was now rolling on the ground in fits of laugher, but his glee at seeing his enemy in pain was unexpectedly cut short as his body began feeling funny again.

"Wha…?  YEAAHHHRGH!!" the green one cried out as his head suddenly struck up against the underside of the couch, and he was forcefully squished inside the tiny space between it and the floor as he grew rapidly back to his normal size.  Grabbing the edge of a board, he managed to pull himself out and stumble to his feet in a daze.  Rubbing his antennae tenderly, he glanced down at Dib who was out cold laying face down on the floor.

Another strange string of words reverberated throughout the room in that same, tin can voice.

There was a loud, thundering bang and something fell from above and bounced off Zim's head, causing his already sore cranium to throb even worse.  "Now what!?" he growled, gazing down at the object at his feet.  "A moose?" Zim cocked a non-existent eyebrow and picked up the small toy which squeaked in his grip.

More moose toys began falling around him by the dozens, a bizarre symphony of squeaky noises echoing throughout the room as they hit the ground.

Down on the floor, Dib, roused out of his sleep by the sound of a hundred dropping squeaky toys, groaned and tried to sit up groggily. 

"What happ- Hey!" he cried as a moose landed on his back.  Brushing away the pile of moose toys that had accumulated around him, he staggered to a standing position and another barrage of toys hit him from above.  

"What's going on?"  Dib glanced around the room and his eyes landed on a certain little robot reading a thick black book, surrounded by a pile of mooses.  "Hey, give that back!" he shouted, breaking into a mad dash towards GIR.  GIR saw him coming and, scooping up the book, dodged out of the way.  The tiny robot giggled, its square-ish pink tongue sticking out from the side of its mouth in blissful stupidity.  GIR opened the book and sounded out another jumble of syllables.  

Dib was about to charge again, but he found that he couldn't move his arms and legs.  "What the…!?" Dib looked down and his face was suddenly plunged into a deep pile of frosting.  His entire body had been encased inside an enormous, pink cupcake.

GIR screeched with joy, leapt forward, and chomped into the side of Dib's tasty prison.

"OW!  OWWW!!!  That's my ARM!"

Zim chuckled, quite amused at seeing Dib become GIR's snack.  "Nice job, GIR.  For once your stupidity does our mission good.  Now hand me the book." Zim held out his hand expectantly.  The robot ceased his munching and looked up at his master innocently.  "The book, GIR!  Hand over the book!" he snarled impatiently.  

A huge smile spread over GIR's metal lips and he dashed across the room.

"GIR!!  Come back here!  Give me that book right now!" The alien darted after his robotic companion, but GIR thought his master was playing a game and avoided Zim's advance, a playful grin slapped across his face.

"Hehehehe…!" GIR giggled mindlessly, "C'mon, Master!  Catch me!"

Zim made a running dive at him, but ended up skidding across the floor painfully as GIR skipped cheerfully out of the way.  He peeled his face off the tile with a snarl then shot GIR the most burning, 'I mean business' glare he could muster.  "GIR!  I'm not playing with you!  I want that book!"

"Do a little dance!" GIR squeeled.

Zim climbed to his feet.  "No, GIR!  I- whoa…!" Zim's legs seemed to suddenly take on a mind of their own and he began twirling and jumping around the room as dance music wafted through the air.  

"GIIIIIIIIRRRRR!!!"

Meanwhile, Dib was attempting to break free from his cakey restraints (yes, even I know how stupid that sounds -_-).  Struggling didn't seem to be working, so he'd had to resort to eating his way out and was now almost down to his shoulders, his mouth stuffed to the brim with a mix of pink cake and frosting.  He was starting to feel sick to his stomach.  "If Zim's robot doesn't kill me first, I'll probably end up in a diabetic coma," he frowned, and took another bite.

GIR was still watching his master shaking his 'groove thang,' clapping and laughing, oblivious to the long and steady stream of obscenities that were pouring out of the green one's mouth.  

"Come on, Master!  Do the funky-monkey dance!" he chirped, hopping up and joining in the dance.

"I have no monkey!" Zim screamed, "Now stop this at once!  YAHH!" Zim yelped as forces beyond his control forcefully jerked and twisted his body in all directions.

 "YAY!  Move your body every-everybody, move your body c'mon now everybody…!" GIR skipped and sang to the music.  "Isn't this fun, Master?" he looked up at Zim sweetly, but the extraterrestrial's attention was focused on what GIR had left behind.

"The book!" Even though the book was no longer in GIR's possession, the spell hadn't worn off.  "No matter," Zim thought, still dancing as he tried with all his might to force his body to move in the direction of the spell book.  It wasn't easy going against the control of the magic, but inch by inch he managed to make his way over towards it, every vein on his neck standing out in concentration.  Okay, he was close enough, but now came the hard part: bending over.

With a desperate burst of strength, Zim wrenched his body and leaped for the prize, only to have it snatched out from under his fingertips at the last second.

"I got it!" Dib declared, triumphantly holding the book high over his head, bits of cake and pink goo dripping from his sleeves.

"Yoink!" GIR suddenly leaped through the air like a dolphin and grabbed it back from Dib who immediately gave chase.  He screamed and squawked at GIR to give him the book, but the playful metal one just giggled and called out another spell.  

Dib was about to make a dive for the robot, but stopped dead in his tracks when his scalp suddenly began to tingle like mad, and he sensed something was very, _very_ wrong.  "What is-…?" he began and caught a glimpse of his reflection in Zim's TV.  "Oh my _God_!" he screamed horrified and tugged at his spiky hair which was now a blinding, platinum blonde.

GIR meanwhile was now running from Zim who was quickly gaining on him.  The robot suddenly halted and read some more from the book, and Zim froze dead in his tracks and flung his arms over his eyes, dreading what result he'd find when he opened them.  He dared to take a small peek.

"A bear suit?" Zim held up a fur-clad paw bemusedly.  "Well, I guess that's not so bad."  Or so he thought, till he unzipped his costume.  "What the-!?  GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

Dib, who'd been collapsed in a desolate bundle by the TV, now rose and tightened his fists in rage.  No one… NO ONE… messed with his hair.  If people only knew how he spent hours every day and hundreds of dollars worth of hair gel and mouse and #341 Black hair dye to make it perfect.  Consumed with fury, he let out a battle cry and charged for the book.  GIR saw him coming and dashed to the side just as Zim was making a move… and continued making his move.  And continued.  And continued.  It was rather hard to make his move quickly considering he was now in the body of a great big turtle.  

The young paranormal investigator got the upper hand and swiped the book away from GIR.  "Yes!  I've got it!" he giggled madly.  "And now to finish what I started.  But first…" he brushed his blonde hair spike aside which had gone limp and was hanging in his face, flipping pages frantically trying to find the reversal spell.  He tried one and produced a hand mirror out of thin air to see the effect it had.  "AGH!" he choked nearly dropping the mirror at the golden curls and little pink bows that had appeared on his head.  "That just made it worse!"  Dib quickly tried another spell and his hair faded back to its normal, raven color and morphed into its proper scythe-like style.  Sighing in relief, he turned to Zim who'd only managed to crawl about two and a half feet in the time it took.

Dib snickered.  "You know, Zim, turtles live in the _water_.  Not a very good thing considering your allergic reaction to it."  Zim scowled and Dib went on, "Of course I could fix that for you by making you into something else.  How does a flea sound?  Or maybe a nice, harmless garden slug.  Do you want to be a garden slug, Zim?"

The transmogrified alien growled deep in his throat causing Dib's smirk to grow wider.  "On second thought, I think I'll just encase you in a big block of Lucite for all eternity, and finally, the world will know that I was right all along!  Bye Zim.  Can't say it hasn't been fun, but now playtime's over.  But I do have to thank you, after all you're going to make me famous.  Maybe I'll mention your name when I'm on Mysterious Mysteries, telling everyone how pitiful your defeat was."

Zim grunted and took another microscopic step forward.  "Can the pathetic speeches, Dib-human.  You're forgetting one thing."

"Oh?  And what's that," he sniffed condescendingly.

Zim simply replied: "I'm still an Invader," and with that the center spot on Zim's shell whooshed back and his mechanical spider claws shot out and knocked the book out of Dib's arms.  Dib dove for it, but Zim scuttled under him and whipped it away.  The second Zim got his hands… er, claws, um… uh, well, whatever it is that turtles have, on the book, POOF! he instantly transformed back into his Irken self.  His very, _VERY_ angry Irken self.

"Alright Dib, this has gone far enough!  I will put an end to this now!" he declared leafing through the pages, settling on one that read '_Ultimate Chaos and Doom Spell_'.  He started to read the incantation when Dib grabbed the book, but this time Zim was ready for him and held on to the other side, his grip like iron.  The two pulled on either side of it, engaged in an odd game of tug-and-war.  As the spine of the book started making crackly noises, neither one noticed that tiny green sparks were jumping and popping off the pages at the seam.  

The enemies tugged harder, muscles tensed in extreme concentration, and the book finally did what any book will inevitably do when pulled in opposite directions; it ripped in two.

A/N:  I'm sorry it took me so long to get this done!  I wouldn't abandon this fic, but I just had some trouble writing it.  I think now that I've gone _completely _mad, I'm satisfied with the result I got.  Well, I promised you insane, and insane I shall deliver, especially in the next chapter.  

Just where the heck did Dib get such a F!#$%& up Spell book from!?  I mean come on!  A spell that makes it rain _mooses_!?  ^_^ LOL  I'm aware that magic isn't this ridiculous or this easy to do, but this is cartoony, 'Invader ZIM' magic, so I had to make it as weird as possible.  


	4. Dib Learns Not to Play 'Harry Potter' An...

A/N: Any remaining sanity is pretty much shot to hell in this chapter -_-;;

Not-so Practical Magic- Chapter 4 

There was a blinding flash of green light, and sparks flew out of the torn halves of the book like fireworks.  A hurricane-force wind accompanied the green waves of light and Zim and Dib hastily dropped their parts of the spell book and dove to the floor.  

"You jerk!" Dib shouted over the howling of the wind.  "You ripped the book!  You can NEVER rip a spell book!  Are you a complete idiot!?"

"If you hadn't come over here and started flinging your filthy MAGIC around, none of this would have happened!" Zim shot back.

The green light shone brighter and the room around them began to fade.  "We have to put the book back together!" Dib yelled.  "If we don't we'll eventually be sucked into a dimension created by the warp of the magic being released!"

Zim blinked in irritation.  "Do you just make this stuff up as you go along?"

"Just help me put it back together!" Dib snapped.

"And just how are we supposed to do that!?"

"There's a spell for this.  It's in there for emergencies incase this ever happens, and it'll join the two halves of the book back together again and seal the power back inside."

"You really are making this stuff up, aren't you."

"Just help me find the uniting spell!  It's the only way to put the book back together!" Dib shouted impatiently and began crawling towards the book against the force of the powerful wind.  He was only centimeters away when the book seemed to explode and all the pages flew into the air.

"SON OF A-…!" Dib stopped himself before the story could turn 'Rated R' and began grabbing the loose papers flying by.  "Zim!  Help me find that spell!  And hurry!" he said gesturing to the surrounding room, and Zim saw in terror that there was now a gaping black void where the roof had been, and that void was slowly spreading down the walls.  He shuffled across the floor on hands and knees searching for the missing spell in a panicked frenzy.  

A moment later neither of them had turned up anything, and the magic being unleashed was having some unusual effects on the pair.  Zim was now finding it easy move across the floor seeing as how his arms and legs had turned into wheels, but it was kinda hard picking up the papers.

Dib had at least a better advantage having sprouted insect-like wings and about four more arms.  He zipped through the paper-infested air until he changed into a rather cute little wiener dog and dropped to the ground.  Or at least what remained of the ground; the blackness was now creeping over the tiles quickly.  There wasn't much time left.

"GIR!" Zim, now in the form of a giant banana, called to his mechanical slave.  "Help us find the right page!"

GIR just sat on the couch, which somehow was unfazed by the ensuing pandemonium, and giggled.  "Hee hee, silly talking banana.  How'd you get out of my head?"

Zim grumbled and vowed that if he ever got out of this, he'd have to look into this 'talking head-fruit' of GIR's.  It was starting to creep him out lately.  "Just forget it," he sighed.     

Zim and Dib continued to search and transform more and more frequently as the dark dome of doom closed in on them (Hee hee, I like that.  Dark dome of dooooooom! ^_^).  Among the things they changed into were a burrito, a piece of dryer lint, a blender, a used band-aid (eew!), a wolf, an adorable little 'Dib' doll, an etch-a-sketch, a PEZ dispenser, Jhonen Vasquez, an Eskimo, and one of those little squeaky toys that the eyes pop out of when you squeeze it.

The frantic duo skimmed through the papers as fast as they could, but it was too late.  Finally, the void was nearly complete and a green ring of power shot out from the edges of the remaining circle and lifted Dib and Zim into the air.

"We're doomed!  DOOOOOMED!" Zim wailed, sobbing into the skirt of the fairy princess outfit he was now wearing.

It looked like the end Dib thought as he and Zim floated up through the swirling green light to meet the inescapable darkness.  _Well, maybe being sucked into another dimension won't be so bad.  It's not like this is the first time it's happened, right?_  _Oh, who am I kidding!  It's hopeless!_  He wiped at his eyes with a purple tentacle and plucked a nearby paper out of the air to blow his nose on.  His eyes grew wide and he gasped when he saw what was on it.

"Hey!  This is it!  This is the uniting spell!" he exclaimed, thinking he'd never felt so relieved in his life.  He and Zim were only mere inches from the black hole so he read out the spell quicker than he'd ever read out anything before.  

There was another burst of dazzling light.

*                *                *

Dib sat up and rubbed his head.  Opening his eyes, he was elated to find that the room was back to exactly the way it had been with every single thing perfectly back in place.  

"Yes!  I did it!" he cheered, getting up and walking over to where the spell book sat placidly on the floor, back in one piece as if it'd never caused such a space-warping disturbance.  He picked it up and regarded it as if he were holding a dead rat. 

 "I never want to see this thing again," he declared, and as if taking the hint, the book vanished in his hands.  "I'll just stick to the paranormal from now on.  Let someone else mess with this occult stuff," he said dusting his hands off.  Then he noticed that one of the hands he was dusting had a black, rubber glove on it.  "Huh?  How'd that happen?  Oh well, must just be some leftover residue from all that transforming."

The boy walked over to the couch where GIR, somehow completely unaffected by any of the previous turmoil, sat slurping on an Ice Sucky.  "Oh, hiya Master!" he bubbled as Dib approached.  

"Huh?" Dib narrowed and eye.  He'd thought the little robot only referred to Zim as 'Master'.  And speaking of that, where _was_ Zim anyway?  He hadn't seen him since he'd cast the uniting spell.  Dib scanned the room with his amber eyes, but didn't see Zim anywhere.

"Zim?"

"I'm right here," came Zim's voice close to his ear, and Dib whipped around only to find no one there.  

"Where?"

"I'm right here standing by the couch you nitwit!  Are you blind?  Where are _you_ at?"

"I'm standing next to the couch… too…" Dib suddenly sensed something was completely, hideously, and overwhelmingly _wrong_.  He gulped, filling with absolute dread, and turned his head only to meet two, large, ruby-red eyes.

"Zim!?"

"Dib?!"

The Irken and the Human tried to back away from one another, but found it quite impossible.

"What in the-…!?" the two uttered simultaneously as they realized what'd happened.

"Heeheehee!" GIR bubbled, "Look Mr. Banana-in-my-head, Master's got a big, funny new head!" GIR laughed, but the robot's high-pitched giggles were drowned out by a bizarre duet of horrified screams that could be heard outside the Irken fortress all the way up and down the cul-de-sac, and ringing out over the rooftops.

THE END 

A/N:  And what an end it is!… Um… okay maybe not.  Chapters 3 and 4 turned out really strange for some reason.  I don't know WHAT happened!  I'm amazed that I wrote this thing while sober and NOT under the influence of any narcotics.  This is the weirdest thing I ever wrote, seriously.  I think I freaked myself out with this fic, especially the ending.  I get the odd feeling that a lot of ZADR fans would like what I did there LOL  (just kidding of course)  Hopefully I made you laugh with this story, or at least didn't disturb the bananas in your heads… _too_ much.  ^_^

**One thing I'd like to mention before I end this insanity**:  I got a little confusion over this, so let me be extremely politically correct now and try and explain that when I used the words 'magic' and 'spells' in this fic, I did NOT mean for this to refer to anything involving Wicca, Witchcraft, or any other set of religious beliefs involving 'real' magick (spelled with a 'K'), so please don't anyone be offended by these words.  There are no such things as Spell Books that explode when you rip them, or weird dimensions created when spooky power goes haywire, or any kind of spell that will turn your friends into wiener dogs.  I just don't want any Pagens or Wiccans to think I'm making fun of their practices, and you'll notice I didn't use the word 'Witch' once in this fic.  I'm well aware that the movie 'The Craft' was not an accurate depiction of real magickal powers or witches, and the book that Dib has and the type of magic he uses would really be more along the lines of 'Harry Potter' anyway.  No one (not even me) knows where Dib got that Spell Book, and it's got spells in it that no one in their right mind would ever want to cast, so you can rest assured that it probably wasn't written by a real Pagan.  The kind of concentration and three-fold-law and all the rules it takes to practice REAL magick just would not have fared well in a humor fic that was basically just a chance for me to spread some weirdness out on my computer screen.  This fic is all about weird, stupid, cartoon-y magic, not real magick, so hopefully that clears things up so no one is offended.  :takes a deep breath:   Just wanted to explain myself so people don't think I'm just some nut who saw a certain movie and decided to make a fic out of it.  Believe it or not, I've studied the real deal and I DO know what I'm talking about! :everyone gasp!:  Okay, that went a little longer than I wanted it too.  Anyway, I hereby end this fic… uhhhhh…. Now.


End file.
